Calais to Monaco..........
and then back again! Why on earth would anyone try and get from Calias to Monaco and back within 24 hours?
Simple, to see if they have what it takes to do long distance endurance rides and the BBG2500K Gold is right up there with them. This was all part of an a bigger idea I had some years back to ride around the world and the BBG2500K is another stepping stone in that idea. I'm still working on that Saunder record and saving my pennies.
But first of all I had to get to the hotel in Calias and anyone that knows how I plan my trips knows that is not going to just all fall into place!
I had been speaking to Taff Davies; Member of the UKIBA and also the Royal British Legion Riders (but we won't hold that against him he has enough issues just being Welsh). Taff had been speaking to Fazer Phil (I cost him an hours sleep, and man do I know it!) Phil is the European guy for the UKIBA. So anyway we all plan to meet and get the ferry.
Well, not that simple for me as I am working a night shift, so that's 7pm to 7am and then drive from Lancaster to Liverpool to pick up the bike, 4 hours sleep and then ride from Liverpool to Dover to get this ferry. Roadworks! Heaps and heaps and Friday traffic down the M62 and the M6 mean that I miss the ferry by 10 mins!
Hey ho! So I got chatting to people in the line for the next ferry as I do. Then a nice chat on the next ferry with this couple (Dave and Bin) that run a bar off the M5 and now have the address and open invite to come down for drinks and bbq! Yay!!
I got off the ferry and thundered into France, aww fuck, wrong side of the road and seems I rode past Phil and Taff. Still, I am 691 so not to worry readers you know I always find a way. I pull a car over and ask directions to the Hotel Ibis...yeah, I pulled over Italian tourists!! But still I find the hotel and there is Mother Hen aka Boss Hog the president of the UKIBA to greet with a warm smile and hand shake.
A nice hotel, clean and comfy. I was going to share a room with Taff as we planned on early AM starts but seems soon as I was down I was snoring. I don't recall this but I know I snore like a lion with it's nuts in a mangle so fair play to Taff.
I was looking at the clock and it was 00.45 and I was going to ride at 4am. I was off a night shift and was just not going to sleep anymore so I 'crept' (falling over two helmets, a set of boots, bouncing off the dresser and knocking over the room lamp) down stairs to have a look about. It was then that I caught on that I had no euros and no idea about toll roads etc or if my debt card would work. Still, I had my visa, I have never used the damn thing but still it was always there in the wallet and things would just work out anyway.
Big Dave Badcock (what an outstanding name!) and Big Dave Clarke FJR were all getting ready to leave and stuff. Both Daves are about 6'6" or more and Electra Gluide fighting class build, plus they have maps and stuff!! So I ask if I can come along on their time. Sure thing said BDB and so I ran up to the room and woke Taff AGAIN with my Ninja like stealth (This time falling over a Givi top box and a half asleep Taff).
And I am off!! Mother Hen comes out again to wave us off and we go for our first fill up at the Tunnel petrol station. Big Daves starts talking French! I just smile and speak English and grab a snickers while I am at it. I'd forgot about food and stuff too! Shit happens and on we go anyway. I am pleased they take Meastro cards anyway so that was a relief!
Toll Roads!
If you do go to France then get used to these expensive little bastards! None of them take Mastreo but they do take Visa and some only take cash! Lucky for me Big D FJR had his Visa, I had a visa but seems you need a pin number with it! Stoopid cards! Still, I know I can fill up with my debt card at least!
So Big D hoiks the bill for the tolls and we will just settle up when we are done, sounds more than fair to me!
There was another group that had set off before us and it was not long before the trio of Dave FJR, Dave B and The 691 passed them with a wave and a beep on the toll road towards Paris. The weather had started to turn shitty and bad rain was coming down in sheets. It was dark, on the wrong side of the road and it was cold in the rain, I was in heaven! I love adverse weather and anything that makes something more difficult is just fine with me as I get a real buzz out of it.
Dave FJR and I left Dave B behind as in his words 'am slow, you guys just go on' so we put the hammer down and started chewing up the miles. All that was in my mind was going to Monaco and back by 1am everything else was just going to be some fun that stood in my way.
We had been on the road now for about 5 hours and the dawn was starting to come up, it was glorious and I was not tired at all, I was a tad cold but nothing that umcomfortable. When the black is split by the first rays of the sun it open in streaks of swirling black and pale blue that reaches the full canvas of the sky. A painting on a global scale that takes in your entire vision. It is simple moments like this that I live for. The views and moments that make your life full, the eyes of a child in the face on an adult is something that I hope will always drive me onward until I die.
This sight did not have to be France or England or anywhere, it is global and nature does not recognise the human need for names and borders, she simply is and she is free to all that want to simply look up and take notice of how silly we can be about economics and political borders.
Riding in the daylight brought more visual delights and France, I must admit looks like the entire country has been landscaped. It is magnificent in her diversity of snow capped mountains, rolling fields, vinyards and scattered pale pastel green trees that out line the view before you. I am so sorry that I did not sort out a video system yet as I can never do what I have seen any justice.
As the day rolled on and the tyres whizzed passed town after town we pulled over at another service station and I got something to eat. I had not packed food or water as normal and now got some supplies. What I did recall to pack was my socks and chap stick both are VITAL that I have found on long distance rides.
Each ride brings new ideas of what I need and what just looks cool. This trip was going to teach me a great deal in the technical side of matters. I already knew that I had the metal to take the pain and the tanacity to see things to the end. What I needed now was the way to limit that pain to acceptable for REALLY long distance, in my mind was the goal still....to ride around the world beating Kevin and Nick. But first the BB2500K Gold.
But first I would have to get the pin number for that sodding credit card! Stupid chip n pin things and I had lost my debt card perhaps at some service station some 150 miles back. Lucky for me Big Dave hoiked the bill for the fuel stop and on we went. I was not wanting to waist time looking right now and if it was gone then it was gone and I would deal with that later.
We hit our next stop passed Lyon and close to Monaco, here we would take 15 mins (long break) to stretch and get some food and I dug into my givi box like a squirrel possessed! I found the debt card at the bottom, success!! So I was back on track and also found a load of wires and stuff in the box that I had no idea what it was for but I must have bought it for something, I am back and still to find out what it is!
I placed my reciepts in a folded heap into my socks in the givi box and Big Dave had his in a tupper box, with his pen pouch, note book, sat nav, spare visor and Uncle Tom Cobbley! Hmmm perhaps I should do some of this stuff too next time!
So, I went in to pay for my fuel again and left my log sheet on the back box, in the rain! I came back to a psychologist's ink blot -
It looked very nice in it's own way but was fuck all use as a record of the places that I had stopped. So, once again I was to copy Big Dave's time stamped, chronological and colour coded chart log, no doubt laminated and with personal mono' on it! I really need to pay attention to detals but they are so boring
Motorbikes.....brum brum and yummy pretty women...note book? huh? FORWARD!!We hit Monaco and had a sandwich, Dave had already packed high energy snacks in a sealed tub OF COURSE, 691 grabbed a chicken and something...it was all in French. Easy way is to sniff it, scents only have one language and French chicken smells just like English chicken!
Monaco is AMAZING and we whipped around the Le Mans sections of the tunnels as we went passed Farrari after Lamborgini after Farrari, driven by stunning leggy blonde women, this was the only time I almost crashed on the entire ride.
It gave me an idea to present to the ACPO team whan I got back....
- lamborghini_murcielago_cop1L.jpg (98.96 KiB) Viewed 2848 times
COME ON BOSS! YOU KNOW IT WOULD CUT RESPONSE TIMES DOWN, RIGHT?? RIGHT??
There was another issue that I had on the road to Monaco and that was my water proof jacket, the jacket is water proof BUT the pockets are not, WHAT A DUMB FUCKING IDEA THAT IS. Mainly because my camera was in my jacket pocket and now sat in a puddle, hence I have had to hoik the pictures from various websites to tell my tale of the BB2500K Gold run!
We head back to do a detour for some extra miles and Dave gets lost! Oh no and Dave hits a low note "We won't get it, we went the wrong way, we won't make it and now I can't get my glove on!" This was the first time I had seen Dave emotional and I smiled as I stood there with one summer glove and one winter mit having lost my other mit some 600 miles back! I gave my worldly advice and smile " Computers don't know jack shit, lets ride I got this motherfucker". We spun back through the toll booth and hit serious traffic on the way back now it was day light hours.
Time for 691 to shine as Dave pulled up in the line of traffic, I took the inside lane and zigged and then zagged and then cut and then weaved, Vroom Vroom, BEEP BEEP "UKIBAer on a mission people, MAKE A HOLE!!"
I took the white line and cut the traffic, they could move or I would have a collection of wing mirrors, the choice was thiers to make. I was not going to be stopped after all that by a sodding car. To the credit of the French they did move and all you need is a few clutch slip blip blips and the odd beep and they move over!! Bravo to the French!
Great thing about traffic jams is that it is normally caused by just one or two shit drivers at the front breaking for no reason, so when you pass them it is open road again. So it was with this little road works issue.
It happened again near Paris and this time two Crotch Rockets with race cans did the cutting up with that high pitch whine that they make so well and Big Dave and I brought up the rear in the wake. Yee Har as we pull in for fuel and Dave's little computer thing tells him we now have 15 mins to spare if we stay on track.
It was getting really sore now, my arse that is as I was in jeans and Dave of course was in some snug tailor made bike kit from NASA. I had rode passed the pain as the sky became dark again but it was when I moved that a shot of pure blisted pain would shoot up my spine. So I came to the conclusion of NOT moving my arse much and just sitting on the blistered bed sore in the crease of my arse. Simples eh! Next time I would get some LD shorts but for now I would just deal with it. It hurts but it's not permanant and it's not going to kill you so get on with it.
On the last leg now and back on the Paris to Calias road in the pitch dark as the miles or kilometers count down. It LASHES down with seriously shitty spray that means you can only see about 100 yards ahead. We are on a dual lane road and nothing is keeping anywhere near our speed so I pull into the outside lane and come level with Dave. We both hit the full beams and light the way, the advantage of this type of aggressive ride is that you are in the lead, hence you do not get the spray off cars in front and you can light the road to make it safer. UKIBA is all about safe riding.
But then in the distance, whats this? A motorbike? A large Harley type rear bike lights?
It was only Big Dave Badcock ladies and gents!! Just a few hundered to do and Big Dave B was on the way back and gave us a full beaming as we slipped passed giving the leg wiggle and beep beep to a Brother on the road! It was fantastic to see him and that he was close to the end line!!
Just minutes to go and the pain in my arse was an actual pain in my arse for once! But it was near the end and still not 01:30hrs so we are on track for 2500+ Km in 24 hours as we pulled into the start petrol station. I lifted my arse off the seat as I pulled over and chewed down on lip as the burning ran up my back like Prometheus had just pissed up my spinal cord. GET THE TICKET!!
Stamped: 01.16 hours - Start 01.34 Hours I had done the UKIBA GOLD run with 18 minutes to spare!!
We headed back and I was over the moon, I'd sort the paperwork out at some stage but right now I was just happy to have completed it as we pulled back in the Ibis hotel. Of course Mother Hen was on the entrance door way clucking and looking around. He was out and over asking how we did. I shook his hand and was still buzzing from no sleep, shit food and an amazing adventure with Big Dave FJF. Roger aka Mother Hen did an outstanding job, never sleeping and always sending off the riders in time with a wake up call and wave then waiting around to see them back in. On the phones all day and night checking on welfare and update to the UKIBA website.
If you EVER get the chance to do a UKIBA run sorted by Roger, TAKE IT! Your welfare and enjoyment is his only concern above and beyond anything else.
I was fucking nackered!! So I limp back after Roger fills us in on the news of the other riders and off I go to my room. With my normal stealth I came in to not wake poor Taff!
This means dropping my helmet on the floor, tripping over the corner of the bed, asking if he's awake and then running a bath at 2am. All these Ninja techniques I have built up from Special Forces handbooks and comics like Commando
After my bath and stubbing my foot with a loud yell, I made my covert way into the bed flopping down and seems snoring like a bull with it's nose ring attached to a Triumph Rocket III. Sweet dreams Taff my ole mucker, room mates for the next UKIBA event then? ha ha.
Ride safe and see you on the roads
James691
glad you enjoyed it and hope it did not distract you from issue 4! Read issue 3 a couple of times now and just waiting on issue 2. Just found out that I could order it in the subscription section - again; I need to pay more attention 
