A Joke you heard today

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Earwig
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Earwig » Wed Jul 11, 2018 8:32 pm

off good old FB
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Nigel
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Nigel » Wed Jul 11, 2018 10:42 pm

An Englishman and Frenchman are chatting in a bar.

Englishman says "We're playing Croatia tonight."

The Frenchman responds "What a coincidence, we're playing them Sunday."

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Spike941
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Spike941 » Sun Jul 15, 2018 5:58 pm

I had one of those cold calls today, a woman phoned enquiring about the accident I’d recently had. “Are you talking about the other day, when I farted and followed through” I replied. “No, I’m talking about an accident” She said, to which I assured her I hadn’t done it deliberately. She hung up.

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Spike941
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Spike941 » Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:04 am

A guy walks into a dimly lit bar and sits next to large girl. Orders his beer and says to the girl “Do you want to hear a blonde joke”? She replies “ I’m blonde, 6’1” 230lbs and I’m an athlete. Next to me, she’s also blonde, 6’2”, 250lbs and she’s a boxer. Next to her, she’s blonde, 6’5” 270lbs and she’s a wrestler. You still want to tell a blonde joke”? “Nah” he replies “I don’t want to have to explain it three times”.

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Beepee
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Beepee » Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:34 pm

The local butcher is driving home from work one day and out of nowhere a DEER runs out, he hits it killing it immediately.
Being a butcher he thought "no point letting it go to waste" so he prepares it and puts it in the back of his van.

Now at home he's got a nice dinner on the go, something different.

The kids come home and smell this new aroma coming from the kitchen, "dad, what's cooking, what's for dinner" they asked.

I'll give you a clue he says, it's what your mother calls me sometimes.

The kids run screaming from the kitchen shouting "DON'T EAT IT, IT'S A FUCKING ARSEHOLE"

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Beepee
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Beepee » Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:35 pm

The last time I went to Blackpool I went on a donkey

took me 23 days !

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Beepee
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Beepee » Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:36 pm

What do the donkeys at Blackpool beach get for their lunch ?

Half an hour !

daveuprite
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by daveuprite » Mon Aug 13, 2018 6:55 am

Beepee wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:35 pm
The last time I went to Blackpool I went on a donkey

took me 23 days !

Did you know I went to Oxford ?

It was a great day out.

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bill_qaz
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by bill_qaz » Thu Sep 27, 2018 10:41 am

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo.

Suddenly, a would-be assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

In quick response, a secret service agent, who is new to the job, shouts out loudly, “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would-be assassin and results in him being captured.

Later on, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes the agent to one side and asks, “What in the hell made you shout out Mickey Mouse?”



Blushing, the agent replied, “Sorry sir, I got nervous.




I actually meant to shout, Donald, duck!”

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Morph
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Morph » Sun Oct 07, 2018 8:59 pm

My wife just accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her things and left!
The lightest piece of kit is the one you leave behind...

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