Shoplifting wife

[Jelly]

"Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a
woman, Maggie, who was half his age.

All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a "woman's magazine" and began to read things
about sex.
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother,
all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian, since there was no doctor within
thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.

However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would
fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.
Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile
young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.

This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the much sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners
and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about
two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted,

"And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel!" "

[Morph]

Every day this week, my boss has been making me stand on one leg in the corner of the office and I'm getting sick of it.
I'll have to put my foot down.

[Morph]

SIAMESE TWINS
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English --- they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

[zimtim]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the postman was dead on their porch.

[zimtim]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.Man: "Hello?"Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"Man: "Yes."Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."Man: "How much?"Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million." Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"Man: "Bye, I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[zimtim]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village
tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.'

[mark1150]

I got a call at work today, the Mrs complaining about what a stressful and tiring day she was having.
So I thought I'd do something nice for her.
I rushed home from work just in time to run her some nice hot water, and make those lovely foamy bubbles that she likes.


Well the dishes aren't going to do themselves are they?

[Morph]

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

[Jelly]

'Sixty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.'

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Multirider]

What's the ideal weight for a mother in law?

About 41/2 lbs, including the urn!