Shoplifting wife

[Mark1961]

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'
The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...

'Probably at work'

[Scythian]

A penguin is driving across the country in his car when the engine overheats and he has to pull over into the nearest garage.

The mechanic greets him and says, “Well, it’s going to take me about an hour to diagnose the problem…”

The penguin replies, “Is there anything to do in this town for an hour?”

After a second, the mechanic replies, “Well, I don’t know if you like ice cream, but there’s an ice cream shop across the street…”

The penguin thanks him and heads off to the ice cream shop. He orders some vanilla ice cream, tries to eat it, but since he has no hands, he ends up with ice cream all over his beak. Just then he looks up at the clock and realizes it’s been over an hour. He rushes back to the garage.

The mechanic immediately says, “Well, looks like you blew a seal, buddy!”

The penguin replies, “No! No way! It’s just a little bit of ice cream! I swear!”

[Bigtim]

Apparently Paul McCartney is arguing with his new wife already, she spends twice as much on new shoes than the previous one.

[Morph]

Blackberry owners won't get this joke!

[mark1150]

A gorilla walks into a bar, wearing a Savil Row three piece suit, bowler hat, with a copy of the Times under one arm, and an umbrella in his hand.
He goes to the bar, and gently taps the top using the umbrella and says in the best public school English...
"I say, barman, could I have have a pint of your very best bitter, and perhaps a glass of 5year old malt whiskey as a chaser?"

The barman is rather taken aback by the unusual client, so he quickly excuses himself and runs off to get advise from the manager.
Barman says to manager, "There's a gorilla out front wearing a suit and he wants a pint and a whiskey chaser, what shall I do?"

Manager says " Well serve him"
Barman asks "So what shall I charge him?"
Manager has a think for a moment and says, "Charge him ten times the normal amount"

So the barman goes back outside and gives the gorilla the drinks he'd ordered.
The gorilla says " I say old chap, how much do I owe you?"
Barman "That'll be £120 please sir"

The gorilla opens up his wallet, and passes the barman, two £50's, and one £20 note, thanks the barman and downs both drinks.
A few minutes later, the gorilla once again taps the bar with his umbrella, and orders the same again.
The barman pours him a pint and a chaser, and again charges £120.

After the forth order, the barman decides to make polite conversation with his unusual customer, and says... " I don't get many of your sort in here"

The gorilla says " I'm not surprised your prices are a fookin rip off!"

[Morph]

I've been going to the gym for three months now, still not seen any improvement.

Next time I'm going to go in...

[les049]

2 Monkeys in a bath............one goes "O,O,O,O"

The other one looks at him and says "well put some cold in silly"...

[Morph]

I was at the cinema watching a very sad film when his guy behind me started whaling.

Suddenly I got hit on the back of my head with a harpoon.    

[zimtim]

‎2 men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”

The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

[Morph]

The Stone Roses reform and Westlife are set to split.

Are Carlsberg producing the NME this week?