A Joke you heard today

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
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Spike941
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Spike941 » Mon Apr 17, 2017 7:14 pm

A Police Officer on the Traffic Department is driving back to the station towards the end of his shift when he spots a speeding car travelling in the opposite direction. He turns around and gives pursuit, but the speeding car fails to stop when he activates his blues and twos. He pursues the car for several miles, through the next town and out into the countryside before it eventually pulls over. He approaches the middle aged male driver and only occupant of the car, and explains that he is about to knock off shift and tells him if he can come up with an original excuse for speeding and failing to stop, he'll let him off with a warning. The driver thinks for a few seconds and says " My ex-wife ran off with a traffic officer, and I though it was you, trying to bring her back"

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Alan29
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Alan29 » Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:58 pm

Two lepers playing poker.
One throws in his hand.
The other one laughs his head off.

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Speedofile
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Speedofile » Tue Apr 18, 2017 6:19 am

:laugh: :laugh:

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Speedofile
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Speedofile » Tue Apr 18, 2017 6:57 am

A group of Bad Ass bikers are riding down the road and start to cross a very high bridge, the spot a girl in a tight (short) mini skirt standing on the side of the bridge ready to jump to her death. The stop and the leader of the bike gang asks the girl why she wants to jump? The girl replies "I've had enough of life!"

The gang leader has a cheeky thought and says to the girl "Seeing as you are going to jump anyway, how about a snog?". The girl thinks about this and decides that this is a good idea.

They kiss with passion, a long and meaningful wrestling of tongues, swapping saliva and both loving the experience. When they are finished and leader has to catch his breath and says to her "you are a great kisser, the best I have ever had...why would you want to end your life?"

The girl replies "My parents have had enough of me dressing up as a girl and kissing other boys!"

gbags
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by gbags » Mon May 01, 2017 12:54 pm

Aussie Helpline.

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila. She's been stung on the vagina by a wasp, and it's completely closed up.

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate. I hadn't thought of that

Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Mon May 01, 2017 1:02 pm

Dirty Derek the local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he's decided to stick it out for another year!

..................

I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this weekend in a tragic accident...

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring!

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I went for a testicle check up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure." I said, "I haven't got an erection." She said "No, but I have."

..................

Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex?
The one I fucked did, anyway.

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Today I took the afternoon off and got 18 holes in.
Maxed out my credit card at the brothel, but it was totally worth it.

..................

My daughter’s pet lamb died today. The grieving process was delicious!

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'Tampax Pearl, Outsmart Mother Nature'
Being born with a cock has done the trick for me.

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I bet all those Red Hand of Ulster types are delighted to see an orange man in the White House.

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"Honey!...I'm Home"
Winnie the Pooh could be a right prick after a hard day at work.

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Choosing who to vote for in the upcoming election is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease.
They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them.

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I bought my cat a litter tray and all he does is shit and piss in it, The little bastard hasn't put any rubbish in there at all.

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Think your life's tough? Try buying a Wii in France.

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Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad.

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My bullying support group starts tonight at 8.
You'd better fucking be there.

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"Black really is slimming on you, you've never looked sexier!" I assured the wife.
"Turn the light back on you twat!" she replied

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I heard my son chanting: "DOMINE... BACTERIUM... LACTOBACILLUS... CASEI... SHIROTA!"
I think he's dabbling in the Yakult.

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I lost my job as a stage designer.
I left without making a scene.

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As my wife was reading Cosmo, she looked up at me and asked, "Darling, if there was one thing you could change about me, what would it be?"'
I thought for a second and then replied, "Your identity."

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That story about Goldilocks And The Three Bears isn't all that far-fetched. Once upon a time a little girl was found in my bed, and I ended up doing porridge.

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I'm looking forward to tonight's fight.
The wife doesn't want to watch the boxing.

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I played the 'Hook a Duck' on the fair this afternoon and won a three-day countdown timer.
Well a goldfish, but same fucking thing.

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Can't believe I've just bumped into Joey Barton in the bookies...
What are the odds!

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I just slipped on the floor of the local library..
I was in the non-friction section.

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At any given moment the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim-away...
A whim-away, a whim-away, a whim-away...

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A sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked "Is it Fosters or Stella?"
I replied "there's a tap underneath, taste it!"

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My mate fucking hates his surname, Potato.
Although not as much as his wife, Jackie does.

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Girl: "Come Over"
Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

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I can remember my first day at school. The teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?"
I said, "No, Chu Wing is probably one of the Asian kids, my name is Simon!"

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Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

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Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

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I can remember my mum tucking me in when I was younger.
It was then I realised she really wanted a girl.

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I waved excitedly at the newlywed couple outside the church as they were posing for photos. "Hey!" I said, "Congratulations on the wedding. Do you remember we once dated for a little while?" "Er, sorry, I don't remember." "Of course you do sweetheart," I replied, "You sucked my cock loads of times. You loved it !!" "I'm sorry, who are you?" she snapped. "Oh hi, I'm Dave," I said to the bride, "I met your husband when we shared a cell together on remand."

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After a really awkward meal with my new girlfriend and her parents, she said: "You didn't say much tonight, that was really uncomfortable."
"I know, but it's always like that when you meet up with an ex" I replied.
"Oh my god!" she cried, "you fucked my mum?"
"Nope."

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I played the Chinese lottery earlier.
I was pissed and went into the takeaway and chose six random numbers.

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I had a dream I was swimming in a giant ocean of orange soda.
Turned out to be a Fanta sea.

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News: US restaurant introduces massive taco-covered pizza for $75.
“Seems a little steep,” said a customer, looking at the three steps in front of the restaurant.

......................

The problem in my marriage is that I'm a vegetarian and she's a cow.

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Speedofile
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Speedofile » Tue May 02, 2017 6:33 am

A local Australian farmer is walking down the road, carrying a sheep under each arm. Being a friendly neighbour I asked him if he was going to shear his sheep.

He gave me a disgusted look and said "Nah, I'm going to F*** em both myself!"


I'll get my coat :whistle:

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by sprintster » Fri May 12, 2017 6:45 am

A lorry carrying 25 tonnes of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6 near Birmingham this morning shedding it's load on the carriageway.
Police say there will be no congestion for at least 12 hours.

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WIBO
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by WIBO » Fri May 12, 2017 8:29 am

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Will It Buff Out?









The Suit:What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Me: Honesty.

The Suit: Honesty? I don't think honesty could be construed as a weakness.

Me: I don't give a f**k what you think.

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Tue May 16, 2017 10:38 pm

Disney's new film called "JET BLACK" - the world's first black version of "Snow White" - has been put on hold due to an industrial dispute.

All 7 black dwarfs, Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Carjacker, Shoplifter, Drinker and Bludger, have walked off the set after refusing to sing the "Hi Ho!" song.

All 7 are insisting that they have no f***ing intention of singing "It's off to work we go."
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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