A Joke you heard today

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zimtim
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A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:11 am

After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.

God asks Bush: “What do you believe in”?

Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The American nation and so on ..."
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great , come sit in the chair on my right"

God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in”?
Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. .... ".
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done , come sit in the chair on my left"

Finally God asks Trump : “What do you believe in”?
Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair”.


Rather than having all the jokes spread out over the forum lets see if we can keep them in one place
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by sprintster » Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:33 am

My wife said she wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for Xmas....so I got her sister pregnant.We're on next week!

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Mosel Bikes
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Mosel Bikes » Fri Dec 16, 2016 4:04 pm

There's an Englishman, a German and a Belgian in a bar. The barman asks 'what'll you have?'.

The Englishman asks for a pint of bitter.
The German asks for a pils.
And the Belgian asks for a coke.
The Englishman and German turn in unison with a shocked look and ask the Belgian, 'why are you having a coke?, to which the Belgian replies .....
'well, if you're not having a beer, neither will I'!!

and the moral of the tale? everything is relative and experience is everything.
Greyhound Racing .... don't bet, don't go - you bet, they die :cry:

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by threepot » Fri Dec 16, 2016 4:19 pm

A magician and his parrot are performing on a cruise ship,when all of a sudden, the boilers blow,and the ship sinks. After 4 days bobbing up and down in a life raft,the parrot turns to the magician ,and says..'all right,I give in,wheres's the [email protected]~#$&g ship'

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by lancashirelad » Fri Dec 16, 2016 4:30 pm

Two old dears are sat on a bench talking, one says "do you know what a selfie is?" The other one says "it's what my Albert used to do when l had a headache"
I've to start again now buying & fitting all the bits I had on the previous cb500x!!! :D

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Fri Dec 16, 2016 4:32 pm

Put the kettle on fellas and pull a chair......

I'm really overdrawn at the bank and they keep phoning me and leaving voicemails.
I wish they'd just leave me a loan.

...........................

Bored? Broke?
Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?
Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?
Then get a fucking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastard!!..

..........................

Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.
I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer 'ya got?.

................................

A lady in front of me at mothercare today with 6 kids was buying a baby gate,i said you should try putting that on your fanny love!!.

................................

I was stopped in the street by a lady doing a survey.
She asked me how I rated myself in bed.
I said that I've never heard anyone moan.
So she put me down as 'poor!!.

................................

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

................................

Sad news... the managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.
Paramedics said he could have done with another coat..

................................

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Santa's smoking weed
Mrs. Claus is on the floor
She's overdosed on speed
Blitzen's fucked the elves are too
They're tripping off their heads
And if Rudolph snorts another line
The twat will end up dead

................................

During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"
I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."

................................

My girlfriend hates it when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up.

.........................

What do female reindeers do when they want to have some fun?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.

.........................

Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because Mrs Claus told him he'd never get in the back door.

.........................

When I was a kid
adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'excuse my French'
well I remember well my first day at school when the teacher asked "does anyone know any French"

........................

A couple of Jehovah's witnesses just knocked on my door.

I asked, "Is it true you people don't believe in blood transfusions?"

One if them said "That's correct sir."

I said "That's a shame."

The other one said "Why do you say that?"

I said, "Because if you bang on my door again at 8.30am on a Sunday morning you're both going to need one."

...........................

I was on a disabilities awareness course and the instructor asked me,
"You see an intending passenger at a bus stop with a white cane with red rings around it, what do you do?"
"Well," I answered, "I would pull up, speak very slowly and clearly, give him time as he will be a lot slower than everyone else, and try not to make his disability obvious to other passengers. "
"Which is? " asked the instructor,
"He's a Manchester United fan, " I replied.

............................

When I was just a little girl,..I asked my mother: "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"..Here's what she said to me:
"You're a boy, you daft bastard... Now get out of your sister's clothes and get the fuck off to bed..!

...........................

My boss said to me "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages"?
I said "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts".

...........................

I told my wife that when I die
I'm leaving everything to her
She said you do that now
You lazy bastard...

...........................

I tried one of those goal celebrations today, where you run like hell and then slide on your knees.
However, I didn't anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife's coffin!

...........................

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I
could hear heavy breathing again.

...........................

There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic.

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.

He gets up early and eager, golf all day long, 36 holes sometimes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.

He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that weather?"

............................

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

..............................

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician?..
It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.

.............................

What's the first sign of madness?
Suggs walking up your driveway....

..............................

The four stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa
2. You don't believe in Santa
3. You dress up like Santa
4. You look like Santa

..............................

I could never work in the Jobcentre.
Imagine if you got fired!
You'd still have to show up the next day...

...............................

Girls say size don't matter..

Ever seen a 2 inch dildo?

No, me neither.

...............................

"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour.
"Fuck off you bastard!" She screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital.

..............................

I must look really sexy driving around in my new Convertible.
Loads of other motorist's have signaled that they plan on having a wank later!

..............................

My missus broke into my Sesame Street advent calendar and ate all the chocolate characters.
Now all I'm left with is a big bird & no fucking chocolates.

..............................

Anal sex:
It's not for pussies.

..............................

Working people frequently ask retired people, what they do to make their days interesting...

Well,for example,The other day my wife and i went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out,there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said,"Come on man,how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a--hole"He glared at me ,and started writing another ticket,for having worn out tires. So my wife called him a "Sh*thead"

He finished second ticket,and put it on the windshield with the first.Then he started writing more tickets,this went on for about 20mins.

The more we abused him,the more he wrote.Just then our bus arrived,and we got on it,and went home...

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.It's important at our age!

............................

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…

Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

............................

I had my photo taken the other day with REM.
That's me in the corner.

...........................

Advent calendars are losing their popularity.
I think their days are numbered.

............................

Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.

............................

A_C_H_L

Sometimes alcohol is the answer.

............................

Need your advice! Been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.
Is that two dear?

............................

Changed my WIFI name to "Police Surveillance Van #4"
Just to fuck with the crack dealer next door....

............................

I just deleted my twitter account, I don`t want to sound paranoid, but I think people were following me !!

............................

Just been on the Weightwatchers website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?

............................

I had to slap some fat old twat in Debenhams yesterday.

The prick only called my wife a "Ho" not once, but three fucking times!

............................

A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.

More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh F***!' he screams... Where's my Rolex?

..........................

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

............................

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple, my wife has told me that when she wants my fuckin’ advice, she'll ask me for it."

..........................

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a girl jogging?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

...........................

Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock.
It's not great, but it gets me out the house.

...........................

Had a fight with an erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly!

...........................

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs..
Like Customs Officers.

...........................

I've bought my wife a new bag and a new belt for her Christmas. She'll be made up!
The vacuum cleaner's as good as new.

...........................

My mate said, "Do you think there's life after death?"..
I said, "Yeah, lt's called divorce!"

...........................

My doctor told me that I had 9 months to live today.
So I did what any normal person would do, and went to DFS to get my self a free sofa.

...........................

After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.
Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.

...........................

I'm going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all.

Moaning about the broken stair lift.

...........................

Tuned in to women's volleyball and within four minutes there was a wrist injury...
Don't worry, I'll be fine.

...........................

What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common?
They both come in a posh box.

...........................

Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week...
Might go if I've got nothing on.

...........................

The wife got out of the bath & said with a wink "I've just shaved my fanny you know what that means?"
Yes I replied the plughole is blocked

...........................

My wife has always been a trend setter.
She does the mannequin challenge during sex.

...........................

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device.
The penis has slipped down to second spot.

...........................

Heard about the dyslexic drug dealer?
Tried selling me an 'F'

...........................

My girlfriend just came down the stairs dressed as Lara Croft & said to me "Alright Brad?"
The stupid cow thinks its the season to be Jolie

...........................

ARE YOU..... Struggling financially?
ARE YOUR..... Credit card bills becoming unmanageable?
DO YOU..... Dread the phone ringing?
Well it serves you fuckin right for getting married!!.

...........................

Does Santa really live in the North Pole?...
He wears red and white,can get into locked houses,has loads of untraceable electrical goods,drives an unlicensced vehicle,only works one day a year...
North Pole my arse,he's a fuckin scouser!!

...........................

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?"
Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich,"
to which God then created Eve.

...........................

Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with
5,000 Turkeys... a spokesman for the gang said "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted.

............................

I just read "100 things to do before you die" and I was quite surprised to see that 'shout for help' wasn't in there!

............................

Paddy says "Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards Mick?"
Mick says "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat"

..............................

When I heard that they'd found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

..............................

Our new IT guy has just moved here from Australia.
He comes from a LAN down under.

..............................

Well it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.
I really do hope it's me this year.

..............................

Got sacked from my job yesterday for being a pervert.
I can't understand why, I'm always hard at work.

..............................

I said to the wife, I've got a problem.

She replied "no we have a problem.
We are a couple, we're a unit"...
Your problem is my problem.
We are in this together

" Over whelmed with relief,

I said.... "it's hardly worth mentioning now."

But she was insistent on knowing,
" what is the problem??....."

I then had to explain to her that,
" WE have got your sister pregnant!!!


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boboneleg
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by boboneleg » Fri Dec 16, 2016 5:13 pm

Tim, did you email me that 'God' thing? I thought it was some sort of spam so I junked it :blush:
one-legged adventurer

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Fri Dec 16, 2016 7:41 pm

Yup that was me
(thumbs)
boboneleg wrote:Tim, did you email me that 'God' thing? I thought it was some sort of spam so I junked it :blush:
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Sat Dec 17, 2016 2:51 pm

We're having a Brexit themed Christmas dinner this year...
No Brussels.

........................

I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture.
Now I just live in a flat.

........................

My high school bully still takes my lunch money.
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

........................

My car broke down outside Domino's last night.

So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the delivery driver.

.........................

My wife said to me,"What the hell are you doing?"

I said,"I'm doing that thing where you fart into a container before putting the lid on,it's a laugh."

She said,"Fucking get out of my Mother's coffin."

.........................

I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning.
The girl serving me was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p.
I replied that she already had, but could she finish me off for a pound.!!

.........................

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tyre...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.

I must admit you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise!

We have been friends for a very long time ..
what you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

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Monster
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Monster » Sat Dec 17, 2016 8:11 pm

The other day I was discussing Christmas with my (blonde) girlfriend

I said that I thought Christmas Day was on a Friday this year

She said .... "I hope it's not the 13th - that would be bad luck"

Ba Boom
If a Hammer don't fix it - you have an electrical problem

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