Groan

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
bill_qaz
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Re: Groan

Post by bill_qaz »

Somebody filmed me on their phone because I was sneezing.
Apparently it's gone viral
HarveyCamm
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Re: Groan

Post by HarveyCamm »

bill_qaz wrote: Mon Apr 27, 2020 10:55 am Somebody filmed me on their phone because I was sneezing.
Apparently it's gone viral
Whenever I've sneezed for the last few weeks I've shouted SAWDUST so people don't stampede away in panic :lol:
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Monster
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Re: Groan

Post by Monster »

I used to cough or sneeze loudly to hide a fart
I now fart loudly to hide a cough or sneeze
If a Hammer don't fix it - you have an electrical problem
bill_qaz
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Re: Groan

Post by bill_qaz »

So apparently it's now ok to walk into a post office wearing a mask and gloves
Sanqhar
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Re: Groan

Post by Sanqhar »

One of the contestants this morning on Popmaster (Radio 2, 10:30) said she was a Community Podiatrist, and was still working.

Presumably she is only visiting clients over 6ft tall.

tom
... and today was a good day in the life of...
bill_qaz
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Re: Groan

Post by bill_qaz »

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the guy 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks Mike a man waiting next to her the same question.

Mike replies, 'Lady, I'm 63 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.’

 

Mike slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

Mike completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?’



'I was behind you at McDonalds'

 





 

 

 
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Hugh
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Re: Groan

Post by Hugh »

Greetings,

Who makes the best virus?
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TTFN

Hugh
bill_qaz
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Re: Groan

Post by bill_qaz »

Questions: what is the fastest pastry
Answer: scone
simonw
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Re: Groan

Post by simonw »

daveuprite wrote: Mon Apr 27, 2020 6:22 am
simonw wrote: Mon Apr 27, 2020 12:08 am Thanks Dave. I wish I could claim it for my own, but sadly it was given to me by a mate :-)
OK, I'm going to have a go at something similar...

Did you hear about Paul McCartney? He's been thinking about the bloody puncture he got recently.

It was his Mull of Kintyre.

:roll: :o :oops:
I'm sorry Dave, but I've wrestled with my conscience for a week now and I think the kindest thing I can say is, would you like my mate's phone number?! :-)
daveuprite
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Re: Groan

Post by daveuprite »

Three Hungarian peasant women are walking along a track back to their village.

Ahead of them a man is staggering around drunk. Eventually he falls head first into a filthy puddle.

The women turn him over on to his front, but they can't identify him because he's covered in mud.

So the first woman unzips his fly and pulls out his dick.

"Well he's not my husband", she says.

"Yes, you're right, he's not your husband", says the second woman.

And the third woman says... "He's not even from our village"
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