Shoplifting wife

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
moto al
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Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by moto al » Sat Aug 27, 2011 8:15 pm

good evening doctor . i think im a moth, (sorry im a patholigist) try doctor jones down the corridor he.s a head shrink . sorry doc but your light was on
moto al

Adventure Bike Rider New Issue Out Now
Morph
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Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by Morph » Sat Aug 27, 2011 8:39 pm

A lady dwarf went to the doctors and said, "Doctor everytime it rains, whilst I'm off at the shops, I put my wellies on and when I'm there, my lady area hurts"
The Doctor replied, " Ok, give me a look", So the Doctor has a look and get snipping away with his scissors, a couple of minutes later, the Doctor says, "Ok, give that a try"
She makes her way outside and walks around, "Wow!, thats so much better what did you do?"
Doctor says, "I just cut you're wellies down a bit"
The lightest piece of kit is the one you leave behind...

Mul001
Posts: 927
Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2011 8:22 pm

Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by Mul001 » Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:17 am

Sprockette wrote:
Mul001 wrote:A Neutron walks into a pub and says "Can I have a beer, please"

After getting his drink, he says "How much is that, please"

"For you" says the barman "No charge"

groan.
Love it!

This is an old one but a good one:

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

*tumbleweeds*

Policemann Stops Heisenberg for speeding. "Do you know how fast you were going, Sir". Heisenberg replies "No but I know exactly where I am".


Heisenberg and Feyman in a Pub. Feynman orders two drinks. Heisenberg moves to pick up his drink and completely vanishes. The barman says to Feynman "Did you just see that?". Feynman replies "I'm not sure".


This ones unashamadly pinched but it's a hoot.

How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac?


A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit into a
generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently, so I decided
to work out this problem, for the benefit of all humanity.

I. It has been proven successfully that chickens have a definite wave-like
nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous double-slit experiment of
1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens not only diffract,
but produce interference patterns as well. (This experiment is fully
documented in Sir Kenneth's famous treatise "Tossing Chickens Through
Various Apertures in Modern Architecture", 1897)

II. It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas if one
chicken is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to
pinpoint the exact location of the chicken at any given time t. This
was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg (Werner's younger brother) in
the equation:
d(chicken) * dt >= b
(where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2 x10^(-14) domestic fowl *
seconds)

III. Whatever our results, they must be consistent with the fundamentals
of physics, so energy, momentum, and charge must all be conserved.

A. Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was
discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with
chickens, kites, and thunderstorms.
B. The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation:
E = K + V
Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the
kinetic energy of the chicken, given by
(.5)mv^2 or (p^2) / (2m).
C. Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that
the momentum of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed
in any sort of Pontiac) is given by: p = b / w.

IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation
for the potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will
allow us to calculate the probability of finding any number of
chickens in automobiles.) The wave equation for a non-relativistic,
time-independant chicken in a one- dimensional Pontiac is given by:
[V * P] - [[(b^2) / (2m)] * D^2(P)] = E * P
P is the wave function, and D^2(P) is its second derivative.
The wave equation can be used to prove that chickens are in
fact quantized, and that by using the Perdue Exclusion formula
we know that no two chickens in any Pontiac can have the same
set of quantum numbers.

V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the
integral of P * P * dChicken from 0 to x, where x = the length of the
Pontiac. Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum numbers
(when examining the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac) different
wave functions can be derived for each set of quantum numbers.
It is important to note that we now know that there is no such
thing as a generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position and
velocity of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken
must be treated individually.
It has been theorized that chickens do in fact have an intrinsic
angular momentum, yet no experiment has been yet conducted to prove
this, as chickens tend to move away from someone trying to spin them.
Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt to integrate a
chicken should be done by parts, as most people will tend to want the
legs (dark meat), which can lead to innumerable family conflicts
which are best avoided if at all possible.



I have lots of imaginary friends . Anyone want to come to one of my parties !

mark1150
Posts: 3892
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:44 pm

Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by mark1150 » Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:48 am

A chap is walking down the road when he kicks an old coke can and a Genie appears.
" I am the Genie of the can and you have released me Oh master, and for doing that you have one wish"

The chap has a think, and say's "I have my mother and sister living in America and I'm afraid of flying and the boat takes way too long and I get sea sick, could you build me a road so I could drive over to see them?"


Genie says "Oh come on, you've only kicked a coke can it's not as if you've had to work for the wish is it?, a road across the Atlantic is a major engineering feat; even for a Genie it could take months to build, how about something a bit more simple eh?"

The chap has a think and says "Tell you what, how about making me understand the mind of a woman?"

Genie says "How many lanes do you want?"
The end of the road is the start of the fun



A bad day on the bike is still better than a good day at the office

DRZ 400

XR 400 R

Morph
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Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by Morph » Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:23 pm

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5
Sincerely,
Unicorns
The lightest piece of kit is the one you leave behind...

mark1150
Posts: 3892
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:44 pm

Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by mark1150 » Fri Sep 02, 2011 9:01 pm

Paddy and Mick are trying to get out of the Army, so they decide on going for a medical discharge on the grounds of being deaf.
They're sitting outside the doctors office, when the doctors beckons Paddy into his office.
On his way to his desk the doctor says "Shut the door please" so Paddy turns back and shuts the door.
Doctor says "Your not deaf your just trying to work a ticket out of the Army, now get out and don't waste my time again!"
When he comes out Mick says "Well what happened?"
Paddy says "Whatever you do don't shut his door"
The doctor does the same again and beckons Mick into his office, and again he says "Could you shut the door please?"
Mick says "Shut it yourself!"
The end of the road is the start of the fun



A bad day on the bike is still better than a good day at the office

DRZ 400

XR 400 R

Barcelona Pat
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Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by Barcelona Pat » Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:20 pm

Two athletes walking across the olympic stadium. One turns to the other and asks are you a pole vaulter? The second replies, no I'm German... but how did you know my name was Walter?

Doggo
Posts: 582
Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2011 1:32 am

Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by Doggo » Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:49 pm

I phoned up the builders earlier and asked for a Skip outside my house.
The bloke said "Well I'm not stopping you".

So I went to the pet shop to get a new pet instead. I asked the bloke "How much for a Wasp?" and he said "We don't sell wasps". I said "Well, there's one in the window!"

To be fair, he was having trouble getting stock, though. A big lorry full of tortoises had crashed into a truck carrying terrapins.
Police said it was a turtle disaster...
"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly, "one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower." - Hans Christian Andersen



When a man is tired of motorcycling, he is tired of life

Morph
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Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by Morph » Sun Sep 04, 2011 5:00 pm

I saw my chameleon again today.

So I guess it's safe to say it's a pretty crap chameleon....
The lightest piece of kit is the one you leave behind...

Redmurty
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Re: Shoplifting wife

Post by Redmurty » Tue Sep 06, 2011 7:24 am

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

Cheers Spud ;)
Life... it's not a dress rehearsal



You don't waste time... you waste yourself

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