Shoplifting wife

[Jelly]

Four blokes spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot. Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going.
His mates are naturally annoyed that he can't go, but what can they do, they decide to push on.
Two days later the three fellas arrive at the remote camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent setup,
firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire.

Steve: 'Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?'
Dave: 'I've been here since last night. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who?
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed were handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said: 'Do whatever you want.'

So here I am . .

[Morph]

Little boy: "Dad, can you make a sound like a frog?"
Dad: "Course son, why do you ask?"
Little boy: "Because mum says when you croak we're going to Disneyland...."

[Jelly]

Little boy: "Dad, can you make a sound like a frog?"
Dad: "Course son, why do you ask?"
Little boy: "Because mum says when you croak we're going to Disneyland...."

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[zimtim]

Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in
Dublin was drinking in O’Donoghue’s pub in Merrion Row when he gets a
call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for
everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just
produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce
just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a
typical Australian baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.

Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets
about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how
much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers '17 pounds"

Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds
the day he was born.

Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .............. "Had
him circumcised mate"

[Norm De Plume]

A letter home from an Australian who has just joined the army...

Dear Mum & Dad,


I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!



At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!



This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the 'roo shooting truck when you reload!



Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.



I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.










Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[Morph]

An electrician was out late one night and met his wife in the kitchen as he sneaked in the front door.
His wife asked "Wire you insulate?"
He replied "Watts it to you, I'm Ohm ain't I"?

[mark1150]

When my wife left I was sad, upset and lonely!!!
So to console myself I bought a dog, got myself a new motorbike, been with two gorgeous women, and blown a grand on hard drink.












Boy will she be livid when she gets home from work!

[Norm De Plume]

An electrician was out late one night and met his wife in the kitchen as he sneaked in the front door.
His wife asked "Wire you insulate?"
He replied "Watts it to you, I'm Ohm ain't I"?

I'm surprised she didn't charge him with worse than that, give him an ample earbashing and then flip him the "V"s

[outrunner]

I remember my wedding as if it were yesterday, if it was tomorrow I wouldn't go!


Andy.

[Mark1961]

A man was in his hosp bed with his oxygen mask on aft opp on throat. He said to the nurse.IN A CROAKY VOICE..are my testicles black, she looked at him with raised eye browes, but lifted up the sheet looked down, took hold of his penis, moved it to one side, looked at his balls,she patted his willy and said no they are fine...


he smiled and said that was very nice but i said...are my TEST RESULTS BACK?