Shoplifting wife

[zimtim]

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertise in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled butt....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she blurted out, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press "9" for an outside line."

[OB1]

To those who have criticised the looks of Sarah Jessica Parker, I say; “Neigh!” If it would behoove you to have some common courtesy, you should stop making such unbridled remarks. It is unfair to saddle her with the burden of ugliness. Someone needs to take the reins here and say; “Whoaaa! This is going too far”. Why do we need to trot out the same cracks every time her name comes up? If she were to come to my town, I’d definitely pony up the cash to see her! B)

[mark1150]

Feeling in a generous mood I stumped up for the wife to have one of those new fangled fish pedicures;
To say I'm pleased with the result is an understatement.... Those Piranhas don't mess about.

[Morph]

Greece.
You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills.

[Jelly]

Greece.
You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[zimtim]

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death.

[zimtim]

guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says:
"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something.
I’m blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.
Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6" 2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler.
And next to her is a blond who is 6’5", weighs 250 pounds, and she’s a current professional kickboxer.
Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?"

The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times."

[GreatScott]

A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, "I love you".
Girl asks "Is it you or the beer talking?".
Boy replies, "Its me. Talking to my beer."

[Barcelona Pat]

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

'To do is to be' Descartes
'To be is to do' Voltaire
'Do be do be do' Sinatra

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
B)
Pat

[Morph]

The pessimist sees only the dark in the tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.
The train driver sees three complete pricks sitting on the railway line.