A Joke you heard today

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Sun Jun 11, 2017 7:02 pm

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said,
"I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. Real Madrid and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag,
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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nickoff
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by nickoff » Sun Jun 11, 2017 8:21 pm

The wife woke up this morning obviously feeling randy.
"I want something 6 inches long, hard as a rock and full of spunk" she said.
So I reached under the bed and threw her one of my old socks.
Nick.

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by bill_qaz » Sun Jun 11, 2017 8:49 pm

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants

MM.jpg
MM.jpg (10.47 KiB) Viewed 469 times
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by ullukk » Mon Jun 12, 2017 3:53 am

They've just opened a Bob Marley restaurant in Kingston where you can sit down for a nice goat curry....... But you have to stand up for your rice.

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by ullukk » Mon Jun 12, 2017 3:58 am

I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer, I have a Czech one too.

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WIBO
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by WIBO » Mon Jun 12, 2017 5:17 am

nickoff wrote:The wife woke up this morning obviously feeling randy.
"I want something 6 inches long, hard as a rock and full of spunk" she said.
So I reached under the bed and threw her one of my old socks.

Nick.

Coffee.......keyboard.



:)
Will It Buff Out?









The Suit:What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Me: Honesty.

The Suit: Honesty? I don't think honesty could be construed as a weakness.

Me: I don't give a f**k what you think.

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Mon Jun 12, 2017 3:40 pm

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her
husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you ... I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you
what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car..
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days..
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you
last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I
noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't
wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to
annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and
don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that
your wife doesn't use?
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Alan29 » Mon Jun 12, 2017 5:03 pm

Whats the difference between UKIP and a toilet?
A toilet has a seat.

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by nickoff » Mon Jun 12, 2017 10:16 pm

George and Mavis first met each other in an old people's retirement home and got on really well. One day George invited Mavis to his room for dinner. Everything went well and they sat next to each other on the sofa and chatted away. After an hour George says " look we aren't getting any younger how about if we play around a little bit?" "Ok " says Mavis, " what do you want me to do?" George replys "how about if I get my willy out and you just hold it?" Mavis agreed and every day for the next week they carried on doing the same thing every day.
The following week Mavis went to George's room as usual, walked in and found he wasn't there. In a panic she hurried to the reception desk and asked if they knew where George was. The receptionist told her that he was in the Rose Garden with Ethel. Mavis found George and Ethel sitting on a bench seat with Ethel's hand firmly on the old goats todger. "What the hells going on George, why have you got Ethel holding your willy and not me?"
George looks at Mavis and said " because she's got Parkinson's ".
Nick.

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by WIBO » Fri Jun 30, 2017 10:02 am

The owner of a Dublin chemist shop arrives at work to find a man propping himself up and breathing heavily, against his front window.
The owner goes inside and asks his newly employed assistant, Murphy, what has happened.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," Murphy explains.
"So I gave him a bottle of laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot!!!!!! " the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," says Murphy, pointing at the man leaning on the glass.
"Look at him..........He’s afraid to cough."
.
Will It Buff Out?









The Suit:What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Me: Honesty.

The Suit: Honesty? I don't think honesty could be construed as a weakness.

Me: I don't give a f**k what you think.

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