A Joke you heard today

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Tue Jan 31, 2017 7:34 pm

You know the best part about riding a motorbike

It’s not about the horsepower
It’s not about the acceleration
It’s not about riding in the freezing rain
It’s not about riding on brilliant summers day

It certainly isn’t about be nearly killed by every other road user

It’s about the most important thing FREEDOM

The Freedom to fart as load and as often as you like and never having to smell it.
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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DaveCon
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by DaveCon » Wed Feb 01, 2017 10:38 am

zimtim wrote:You know the best part about riding a motorbike

It’s not about the horsepower
It’s not about the acceleration
It’s not about riding in the freezing rain
It’s not about riding on brilliant summers day

It certainly isn’t about be nearly killed by every other road user

It’s about the most important thing FREEDOM

The Freedom to fart as load and as often as you like and never having to smell it.
One of the great joys of commuting...?
Farting all the way to work and then removing your overtrousers to release all that stored "energy". Ahhhh you can almost taste the energy... :sick:

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Sun Mar 12, 2017 10:42 am

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

Simon_100
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Simon_100 » Sun Mar 12, 2017 12:44 pm

Reminds me of a graffiti on is condom machine in the gents at a service station on the M6 years ago "Remolds should not be used on motorways"!
Simon
Be sure to visit www.thespanishbiker.com the invaluable guide to motorcycling in Spain - plus guided rides, HISS Events* and off road touring support service



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waynecoluk
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by waynecoluk » Sun Mar 12, 2017 12:51 pm

I walked up to these two fat birds talking at the bar.
I said " Are you girls from Scotland?"
One of them said "It's Wales you cheeky bastard!"
I said "I apologise, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember anything else.

--------------------------------------

I went into the Doctors office to see my new female Doctor.
I walked straight in, undid my zip and lobbed it on the desk.
She picked it up, had a look and said "I can't see anything wrong with it"
I said , "I know it's a fuckin beauty aint it" and walked out...
2016 BMW 1200GSA

2013 Triumph Street Triple

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Wed Mar 15, 2017 9:59 am

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

ollydog
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by ollydog » Wed Mar 15, 2017 1:12 pm

police pull over a biker on the motorway and hes wearing a rucksack, copper gets out and approaches, biker tells him to get back as hes just hacked a man to death and the head is in the rucksack, ive got a loaded gun and 10k of cocaine in me tank bag.

copper backs off and gets onto tac, they turn up along with the inspector and have the biker surrounded.

super approaches the biker slowly and tells him not to panic,he says to the biker his colleague has told him that you have a head in a bag, a loaded gun and a bag of coke.

biker relied, the lying bastard and i suppose he told you i was speeding as well

Simon_100
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Simon_100 » Tue Mar 21, 2017 7:52 am

Q. Why do farts smell?
A. So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

I'll get me coat ... :whistle:

Regs

Simon
Be sure to visit www.thespanishbiker.com the invaluable guide to motorcycling in Spain - plus guided rides, HISS Events* and off road touring support service



*Highly Informal Sojourns in Spain

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Cone
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Cone » Tue Mar 28, 2017 8:18 pm

This had me in stitches :laugh:

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Fri Mar 31, 2017 3:27 pm

To Be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. I'd like to be eight again, she replied, still looking in the mirror .. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked... "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed . "I meant my dress size, you Retard!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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