A Joke you heard today

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Thu Jan 12, 2017 7:32 pm

The Met Office have just issued a yellow warning!!!
Do not eat yellow snow!

.........................

That strange moment when you walk through a big spider web and instantly turn into a karate master.

.........................

My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.
He's got back issues.

.........................

"Boss, I've got a probl..."
"There are no such things as problems!, only opportunities"
"Oh, ok.. I've got a serious drinking opportunity"

..........................

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my dick tastes funny.

..........................

Some bloke knocked on my door at 9am this morning and said, "Have you got a Dog"..??

I said, "Yes, Why"..??

He said, "Is it White, Overweight, Quite Hairy and has a really buck, ugly Face"..??

I said, "Yes, Why"..??

He said, "I think I've just Killed It with my Car".

"Well it can't be mine", I replied.

"Cos mine is in Bed, Eating Toast and Watching The Jeremy Kyle Show"...

..........................

I thought I was going to have Anal Sex last night.

*

*

Luckily, the Jury found me Not Guilty.

...........................

When I was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.

...........................

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Will you be Eating In or Taking Out"..??

"Fuck off you twat," he snapped, before walking off with his Food.

I just fucking love, Working in the Prison Canteen...

...........................

My missus was so clever at school.

She got more A's than a Scouser trying to break up a fight.

...........................

My wedding day was a disaster.

The limo broke down. The vicar was drunk. The best man lost the rings. The bridesmaid tore her dress. There was a fight outside the church.

We got to the reception & the wife was rushed to hospital after a severe reaction to something she ate. It was the icing on the cake.

............................

In a recent survey when asked if immigration was a problem 28% of people said yes.

The other 72% said ديموقراطية.

...........................

Former Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny is the only person on the planet who has a login username that is more complex than his password.

It is essential that he remembers his password at all times otherwise he is faced with the prospect of trying type in his mother's maiden name to reset it.

Adventure Bike Rider New Issue Out Now
Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Sun Jan 15, 2017 12:52 pm

My wife was crying because the clothes in a +size catalogue wouldn't fit her. "Don't let it get you down" I said, "you're bigger than that"

...........................

Humpty Dumpty's wife has given up oral sex.
Says she's sick of ending up with egg on her face

............................

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???

................................

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

.................................

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies,"don't know, give it here."
He then tries it and says, "yes it is."
Paddy asks, "how do you know?"
Mick replies,"that's my handwriting."

..................................

Did you know you were supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?

Well, I didn't. I've just started the wife up like a chainsaw.

..................................

sprintster
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by sprintster » Sun Jan 15, 2017 1:16 pm

;)
15977112_1818138985103600_1170076600797925865_n.jpg
15977112_1818138985103600_1170076600797925865_n.jpg (65.02 KiB) Viewed 141 times

SteveW
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by SteveW » Sun Jan 15, 2017 1:24 pm



Doh!

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:38 pm

sprintster wrote:;)
15977112_1818138985103600_1170076600797925865_n.jpg
Fantastic Buttresess :whistle:
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

gbags
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by gbags » Sun Jan 15, 2017 6:55 pm

Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.

Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Mon Jan 16, 2017 5:17 pm

Pretty sure my spell Czech is broken.

..........................

I got a new job as a litter collector.
I asked about training,
and was told I'd pick it up as I went along!!

...........................

My mate said, "Imagine Scarlett Johansson sucking your cock, squeezing your balls with one hand and sticking a couple of fingers up your arse with the other hand. How long do you think you could last?"
I said, "Pass me some tissues, would you mate."

...........................

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt... Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress...Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ......But try masturbating in Asda car park just one fucking time & see how much fucking attention you get. Can you pick me up from the police station?.

...........................

*Music News*

Country singer Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning.

'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.

...........................

A man walks into a bookshop owned by a Polish bloke and asks him, "Do you have any books on Brexit?"
The Polish bloke looks at him horrified and shouts, "Get out, stay out."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

...........................

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.

"Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad!

"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."

............................

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his p**is and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.

"Holy cow, Lady. I never knew you had a minimum!"

..........................

devonuk
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by devonuk » Tue Jan 17, 2017 12:22 am

A scouser goes into a travel agent and states he wants a nice holiday by the sea... The agent replied, "I hear you can't beat Plymouth this time of the year"

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Tue Jan 17, 2017 6:32 pm

The Jewish Mother

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."
He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Fri Jan 20, 2017 6:09 pm

ATTENTION: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
...it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the cunt. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees.".

...........................

My mate just rang me in tears.

His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!

Poor bastard.

No woman, no sky!

............................

My neighbours always having a dig at my weight. He just said "eh lad how come your such a fat bastard?".
I said "Because every time i fuck your wife, she gives me a chocolate biscuit."That shut him up.

............................

Just received this back from Channel 4...

On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards,

Director of Programmes Channel 4.

..........................

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed by a black truck towing a boat containing the coffin.
A passer by remarks "He must of been a very avid fisherman."
Oh, He still is," replied one of the mourners, "He's heading off to the lake as soon as we've buried his wife."

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