A Joke you heard today

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
daveuprite
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by daveuprite » Thu Nov 22, 2018 6:26 pm

Mosel Bikes wrote:
Thu Nov 22, 2018 5:20 pm
Brexit.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Adventure Bike Rider New Issue Out Now
Morph
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Morph » Thu Nov 29, 2018 12:07 pm

Mosel Bikes wrote:
Thu Nov 22, 2018 5:20 pm
Brexit.
That’s not funny....
The lightest piece of kit is the one you leave behind...

bill_qaz
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by bill_qaz » Thu Nov 29, 2018 2:37 pm

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag" "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?

"Not everybody pays

bill_qaz
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by bill_qaz » Mon Dec 03, 2018 10:29 am

Why Sharks Circle

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"


No need to thank me. I just try to learn something new every day.

Morph
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Morph » Mon Dec 03, 2018 10:13 pm

Air for tyres at Petrol Stations is now £1 !


Now that's inflation for you...
The lightest piece of kit is the one you leave behind...

bill_qaz
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by bill_qaz » Thu Dec 06, 2018 5:13 pm

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...


1.
Death

2.
Taxes

3.
Being screwed by a lawyer

Spike941
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Spike941 » Sun Dec 09, 2018 6:24 pm

Pretend you’re a bomb disposal expert by stopping your microwave one second from the end.

Spike941
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Spike941 » Sun Dec 09, 2018 6:34 pm

I hear the Flat Earth Society are now claiming they have new members signing up daily from around the globe.

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Landsurfer
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Landsurfer » Sun Dec 09, 2018 8:17 pm

Time to deploy to Afghanistan on combat duty;
3 members of Her Majesty's Armed Forces get briefed...
"Soldier' whats your mission! " Exfil the wokka, set up point defence, dig in, and get the tent up for a night in the open, Sir !
"Marine whats your mission !" Helio off the carrier, deploy and take control of the ground situation, and get the tent up for a night in the open, Sir !
"Royal Air Force whats your mission!" Well ... I'm trying to work out what this tent is doing in my hotel room ... !!!

:lol: :lol:

K8122057 Whiteside D J Sgt, Royal Air Force .... 28 years service .... if you cant laugh at yourself ..??.................. :)
45 Years of riding, restoring and building motorcycles.
And now:
HIMALAYAN. :)

THE ROAD GOES ON FOREVER.

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