A Joke you heard today

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Sun Dec 18, 2016 1:02 pm

It's a boy I shouted
It's a boy I shouted with tears rolling my face
I don't believe it A Boy

It was at that moment that I decided to never visit Thailand again
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

Adventure Bike Rider New Issue Out Now
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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Sun Dec 18, 2016 1:04 pm

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
...
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

Peirre
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Sun Dec 18, 2016 4:09 pm

Just bought some Jamie Oliver sausages.
It says on the packaging "prick with a fork"
Can't really argue with that.

............................

" why do people say," grow some balls"?
Balls are weak n sensitive.
If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina, those things can take a pounding..

............................

Just looking at the nativity scene at my local Church and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle show, a mother, a baby, loads of hangers on and some bloke who isn't the father.

............................

WARNING! There's a link going around it says download the latest Cliff Richard Christmas track whatever you do don't click on it, it's actually a link to download the latest Cliff Richard Christmas track.

............................

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says, "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

........................

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder, and asks,
"Honey, please...just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen, I have to get up in the morning.
YOU DON’T?!

.............................

Human body parts found in pies.

Come on Greggs, pull your finger out.

.............................

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Sun Dec 25, 2016 11:35 am

As Christmas here I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had close calls from time to time on the way home after a social event. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had more than a few cocktails followed by a couple of winter warmers. Although feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something I will never regret - I took a taxi.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before - I don't even remember where I got it from and now it's outside our house I don't know what to do with it.
So if you want a taxi over Christmas give me a call.
Merry Christmas!
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

viince
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by viince » Sun Dec 25, 2016 11:51 am

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?" (thumbs)


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This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.
She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

"Actually" he said, "it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
What if the hokey cokey is what it's all about

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Thu Dec 29, 2016 5:29 pm

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Rose, who's the cook.

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork."

He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Rose, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “You’ve got to be kidding me, I didn't know Rose worked here!"
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Fri Jan 06, 2017 10:36 am

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe

..........................

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family. Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!" The Scotsman says, "What a coincidence my son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew" the Irishman says, "That's fucking amazing!, wait til I go home and tell our Pancake"!!

...........................

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days. This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day". The gobby German trucker says, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?" After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replies..........
"A LANCASTER BOMBER!!.

..........................

I sat my son down and said, "Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you'll never get any pussy"
My wife said, "shaun, how dare you use that language in front of him"
I said, "Sorry dear, it won't happen again"
My son said, "I see what you mean Dad"

..........................

ADVICE for all men out there. .
Always love a woman for her personality.
They have 10 on average so you can choose..

..........................

My new Girlfriend's car got a Flat Tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, '' Mum, I'm going to be late, my Girlfriend's got a Puncture."

"Oh Dear" she sighed.

*

"I thought you had a Real One this time."

...........................

The missus just phoned me and the conversation went like this:-

Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?"

Me: "Yeah."

Her: "Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."

Me: "Right, I've done that"

Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!"

Me: "I can see that, yeah."

Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"

Me: Okay, I see them."

Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a gladiator holding a spear."

Me: "Yes! I can see him!"

Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for my Birthday.

............................

To the lady in front of me, it's a speed bump, not a fucking land mine!

............................

FOR SALE

Slightly used Christmas tree, only one month old. Paid £60. Looking for £40.
Serious inquiries only........

............................

My son is such a miserable twat, bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry

............................

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Scott_rider » Fri Jan 06, 2017 11:20 am

They say that if you're scared of spiders they always turn up in your house in the middle of the night and crawl across your bed...using that logic I'm terrified of blonde women with big boobs.
Honda CBF1000A...the KTM 450 EXC-R has gone

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:21 pm

A Passenger in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder

The driver nearly shits himself, swerves across the road narrowly misses a bus full of school children mounts the kerb and stops inches from a shop window.


Damn you’re jumpy says the passenger

Sorry says the driver apologetically but this is my first day on the job. Up until yesterday I drove a hearse for the funeral director.
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Peirre » Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:29 pm

My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..
It was the end of an airer.

.......................

WARNING TO ALL MEN!!

Women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called relationships.

.......................

Putting the decorations away in the attic, I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times, or as its called now, The Sex Offenders Register.

.......................

The wife walked in last night and took her bra off, with a cheeky wink she said "Suck my titties".
"Fuck off" I said, "They've been on the floor"

.......................

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides, every time she bent down you you could see right up her thighs, Mary had another skirt with splits right up the front, but she never wore that one!.

.......................

I was showing my mate some of my grandfathers valuables in his living room after he passed away.
I said, "this is his old knife, he stabbed a German with this!"
My mate said, "in World War 2?"
I said, "No, last year in Majorca. They had a row over a sun lounger!"

.......................

A bloke takes a very nice young lady on a date. At nights end he said to her, 'I've had such a wonderful time tonight. You are so beautiful, you remind me of a climbing rose. May I take you out again?" She replied, 'Certainly. I enjoyed the night too." So he fronts up two nights later, rings the doorbell, and it opens to see her standing there. Without a word, KWwWHACK., Fair in the chops. "Whats that for?" he asks. She said, "I googled climbing rose after you left.And it says, no good in open bed. Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence."

.......................

My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them.

I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first

.......................

My wife said "Do you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?"
"Yes" I replied, "but a gun is easier to conceal"

.........................

Drugs and alcohol are never the answer!
Unless someone asks me, "What are you doing this weekend?"

.........................

Would anybody like to come over and watch porn on my 55" flatscreen mirror?

.........................

My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.
I'm an undertaker

.........................

In an attempt to use Sex to encourage me to do more jobs in and around the house.

My Wife said to me, "If you go outside and Trim the Hedges, I will Shave my Pussy for you"..??

*

I told her, "Don't be so stupid woman, we can't both use our Hedge Trimmer at the same time"

..........................

Mike Dean's four sons have angrily denied that their dad is a United fan. He's a fair and honest man is our dad", said sons Alex, George, Bobby and Schmeichel.

..........................

Latest news from the African Cup of Nations:

Nigeria 8 Ethiopia didn't

..........................

My wife said that my penis closely resembles a Tic Tac.
She was proud of her remark, until I asked her why her sister still had bad breath.

..........................

My mate from Norfolk has got ten perfectly formed fingers.
On his left foot.

..........................

My mate died after taking an E.
Countdown's security staff don't fuck about.

..........................

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without WiFi.

..........................

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

.........................

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers... so I did. She's 25, and her name's Candy.

.........................

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a
cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two
hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little
Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece
around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

..........................

The path to inner peace begins with four words
.
.
.
Not my fucking problem!

..........................

Dad with his little girl in the garden.
Girl asks "is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?
Dad says "no sweetie there are no mummy-longlegs,only daddy-longlegs"
Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on both of them saying..
"we'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!!

..........................

I asked a bloke in the pub today, "Hi mate, so where are you from?"

"Speke in Liverpool," he replied.

"Ok, arrr eh lahhh, where ya from like?"

..........................

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom draw.

That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

.............................

Apparently Facebook may allow kids under 13 to join.
The Chinese government has lodged a complaint saying that none of their workers will get anything done now.

............................

Don't use boomerangs as drumsticks, or there will be re-percussions!

............................

I went to a disco last night.
They played the twist, so I did the twist.
They played Jump, so I jumped.
Then they played come on Eileen.....
I got thrown out for that one.

............................

I just realized the joke “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side” was a suicide reference.

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