- c15c23def3e8fbf07fe16ab312855fd2.jpg (21.66 KiB) Viewed 2738 times
A Joke you heard today
Re: A Joke you heard today
Had similar discussion with a mate a few years back.
My answer was
I would always prefer people to say look at this F@#king twat coming down the road.
Than saying F#@k me where did he come.from I didn't see him
Re: A Joke you heard today
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
-
Mike Horton
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 10:15 am
- Location: Stourbridge
- Has thanked: 3 times
- Been thanked: 49 times
-
WIBO
- Posts: 1598
- Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 3:37 pm
- Location: French Pyrénées
- Has thanked: 612 times
- Been thanked: 648 times
Re: A Joke you heard today
Mike Horton wrote: ↑Sun Mar 18, 2018 5:55 pm Crime on multi storey car parks, wrong on every level.........
FFS
,
Will It Buff Out?
-
Mike Horton
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 10:15 am
- Location: Stourbridge
- Has thanked: 3 times
- Been thanked: 49 times
Re: A Joke you heard today
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
...God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me out from the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
...God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me out from the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
-
Morph
- Posts: 1514
- Joined: Mon May 09, 2011 7:28 pm
- Location: Stourbridge
- Has thanked: 207 times
- Been thanked: 92 times
Re: A Joke you heard today
A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly." "Well," she replies, "You succeeded."
The lightest piece of kit is the one you leave behind...
Re: A Joke you heard today
A man tried to rob my local supermarket yesterday His attempt was thwarted by a female employee wielding a ticket labeling machine.
Police say they are now looking for man with a price on his head.
Police say they are now looking for man with a price on his head.
-
aliwakeskate
- Posts: 498
- Joined: Fri Dec 02, 2011 9:18 pm
- Location: Birmingham
- Has thanked: 268 times
- Been thanked: 171 times
Re: A Joke you heard today
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
