A Joke you heard today

[Peirre]

What's the difference between the Italian Mafia and the Scottish Mafia?
The Italian Mafia make you an offer you can't refuse, the Scottish Mafia make you an offer you can't understand.

...............

I was driving on the motorway today when i saw a sign that read Turnoff 1 mile ahead.
Sure enough, a mile later at the side of the road was Theresa May practising her lizard like smile in a vain attempt to look human.

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I was out on the piss last night & pulled this georgeous bird.
We made love several times & i went down on her. Then we fell asleep in each others arms.
When i got up in the morning though, i had the shock of my life. She had put on 5 stone during the night.

..............

There's a new shop opened in Barnsley today, selling second hand underpants.
It's called Skidmark.

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I am still waiting to meet a flat earth believer who has lived life on the edge.

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Yulia Skripal was discharged from hospital today so I asked her out for a drink to take her mind off her recent ordeal. Unfortunately she stormed out of the pub after less than a minute.
Maybe "what's your poison?" wasn't the best opening line.

..............

I've got a new job where I give people paper to put in the bin.
Management prefer to call it "handing out leaflets."

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Poor families burying relatives in their back garden because they cannot afford a funeral, MP claims.
That's what I told the jury ten years ago after my wife committed suicide by stabbing herself in the back seven times

[bill_qaz]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

[Cone]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

don't get it.

[DavidS]

Wake up Cone and read the last couple of lines again.

[zimtim]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

don't get it.

Think of the pickle slicer not as a machine, but as a machine operator.
Good luck with new bike

[Cone]

There was me thinking of the pickle slicer as a machine to inflict pain....

[Morph]

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

[bill_qaz]

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had
come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the
doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lilting,
too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we
aint got done yet!

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had
yourself another boy!

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to
use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a bloody good ting we didn't use
WD-40.

[stobie]

A: The principal is so dumb!
B: Do you know who I am?
A: No...
B: I am the principal's daughter!
A: Do you know who I am?
B: No...
A: Good! *Walks away*

[Morph]

While riding my BMW, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up and the beautiful woman driver asked "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive and being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, unbuttoning her blouse. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the bike, I guess." I replied.