An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
.................
So, Virgil van Dijk is off to Liverpool for 75 million.
I wonder if his Scouse accent will be as accurate as his dad's Cockney in Mary Poppins.
.................
My wife and I were out for dinner celebrating our anniversary.
"Who do you think I need to speak to about getting rid of this genital wart?" I said to her over a bowl of soup.
"I didn't know you had one of those" she replied. "When did you discover that?"
"My third spoonful. I thought it was a crouton"
.................
I got sacked from my job with the Samaritans today.
Who would have thought having Muds "Lonely This Christmas" was inappropriate hold music.
..................
I always wanted to join the mile high club but couldn't afford an airline ticket.
So I filled my sex doll with helium
A Joke you heard today
Re: A Joke you heard today
Save money on noise cancelling headphones.
Just tell people to shut the fuck up.
..................
My girlfriend said she was going shopping for a new dildo.
I shouted “Make sure it looks like mine!”
Bitch came back with a Vick inhaler.
..................
A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.
The assistant asks, "What Bust?".
She says, "The fucking Condom!".
..................
Met this girl at a party. She said people called her Vivaldi. I asked " Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She said " No, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."
...................
"Awe, you love me that much you've had my name tattooed on your arm, " gushed my wife.
"Don't get excited, " I replied, "I've just been diagnosed with alzheimers. "
....................
TV host Chris Tarrant has been fined £6,000 and banned for a year after he was convicted of drink driving.
He should have phoned a friend.
Just tell people to shut the fuck up.
..................
My girlfriend said she was going shopping for a new dildo.
I shouted “Make sure it looks like mine!”
Bitch came back with a Vick inhaler.
..................
A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.
The assistant asks, "What Bust?".
She says, "The fucking Condom!".
..................
Met this girl at a party. She said people called her Vivaldi. I asked " Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She said " No, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."
...................
"Awe, you love me that much you've had my name tattooed on your arm, " gushed my wife.
"Don't get excited, " I replied, "I've just been diagnosed with alzheimers. "
....................
TV host Chris Tarrant has been fined £6,000 and banned for a year after he was convicted of drink driving.
He should have phoned a friend.
Re: A Joke you heard today
The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga
For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give it 1479%
..................
Vaping is weird. You leave the pub and walk passed a group of tough looking football fans and they all smell like strawberry muffins.
..................
My Wife just said to me, Ive got something to tell you, you better sit down
I said, "Whats wrong"
She said, "Ive met someone else and Im leaving you".
I said, "Thank fuck for that, I thought you was gonna tell me that the TV was fucked!".
..................
Humanity has finally figured out how to get a Frenchmen not to surrender in a fight.
Offer them cheap, cut price Nutella.
..................
I was in London earlier this week and hailed one of them black cabs.
I said to the driver "Waterloo please"
He asked "What, the station"?
"Well, I'm a bit fucking late for the battle" I replied
..................
I want to have a threesome with Rachel Riley.
Because that would be 9 letters and I would win a Countdown mug.
..................
I'll never mix my tourettes medication with strongbow again!
The cider fecks were terrible
..................
Does anyone else give their mobile phone a nickname?
I always have done...
My first one I called 'Diana', because it always went dead in tunnels.
My second one I called 'Maddie'. I lost that one on holiday in Portugal.
The one I have now I call 'Rihanna', because sometimes I have to hit it to turn it on.
For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give it 1479%
..................
Vaping is weird. You leave the pub and walk passed a group of tough looking football fans and they all smell like strawberry muffins.
..................
My Wife just said to me, Ive got something to tell you, you better sit down
I said, "Whats wrong"
She said, "Ive met someone else and Im leaving you".
I said, "Thank fuck for that, I thought you was gonna tell me that the TV was fucked!".
..................
Humanity has finally figured out how to get a Frenchmen not to surrender in a fight.
Offer them cheap, cut price Nutella.
..................
I was in London earlier this week and hailed one of them black cabs.
I said to the driver "Waterloo please"
He asked "What, the station"?
"Well, I'm a bit fucking late for the battle" I replied
..................
I want to have a threesome with Rachel Riley.
Because that would be 9 letters and I would win a Countdown mug.
..................
I'll never mix my tourettes medication with strongbow again!
The cider fecks were terrible
..................
Does anyone else give their mobile phone a nickname?
I always have done...
My first one I called 'Diana', because it always went dead in tunnels.
My second one I called 'Maddie'. I lost that one on holiday in Portugal.
The one I have now I call 'Rihanna', because sometimes I have to hit it to turn it on.
-
bill_qaz
- Posts: 1004
- Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2013 4:53 pm
- Has thanked: 689 times
- Been thanked: 898 times
Re: A Joke you heard today
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'
Re: A Joke you heard today
Jim comes home to his wife and two teenage daughters.
Jim's wife says..."Darling, I hope you don't mind but I've adopted a rehomed parrot."
Jim says: "That's no problem, parrots are great fun...especially if they can talk."
"Darling," says Jim's wife, "That is a little bit of a problem. The parrot has been rehomed from a brothel, and some of his language is a bit choice. Anyway, I'll take the cover of his cage now, and you can see for yourself. Please don't be cross."
So the cover comes of the cage...
The parrot looks out and says; "Hi Jim, pleased to see you here. New house, new madam, new girls!"
——————————————-
Bloke gets conned into buying a parrot which has no legs.
Bloke finds parrot is remarkably intelligent, teaches the parrot to hold onto his perch by wrapping his todger around it.
<later>
Bloke suspects his missus is playing around. Tasks parrot with watching what she is up to while he is away.
<later>
Parrot gives detailed account of visit by [personal trainer/tennis coach/milkman] right up to the point where they embraced/kissed.
"Then what happened"
"I fell off my perch..."
Jim's wife says..."Darling, I hope you don't mind but I've adopted a rehomed parrot."
Jim says: "That's no problem, parrots are great fun...especially if they can talk."
"Darling," says Jim's wife, "That is a little bit of a problem. The parrot has been rehomed from a brothel, and some of his language is a bit choice. Anyway, I'll take the cover of his cage now, and you can see for yourself. Please don't be cross."
So the cover comes of the cage...
The parrot looks out and says; "Hi Jim, pleased to see you here. New house, new madam, new girls!"
——————————————-
Bloke gets conned into buying a parrot which has no legs.
Bloke finds parrot is remarkably intelligent, teaches the parrot to hold onto his perch by wrapping his todger around it.
<later>
Bloke suspects his missus is playing around. Tasks parrot with watching what she is up to while he is away.
<later>
Parrot gives detailed account of visit by [personal trainer/tennis coach/milkman] right up to the point where they embraced/kissed.
"Then what happened"
"I fell off my perch..."
Re: A Joke you heard today
❄ I know they say Christmas gets earlier every year, but this is fucking ridiculous❄❄
..................
All I heard in my house this morning was, "Yeeeeees! It's snowing, I don't have to go to school! I can stay at home and watch TV all day."
I wish my wife would take teaching more seriously.
..................
After I won the local pub quiz last night two gorgeous blondes came over to me.
The first one said, "We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy."
The second blonde said, "Do you know what three way is?"
I replied, "Yes, it's the name of the dog in Hart to Hart."
Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that if they want to get the better of me, I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub!
..................
Travellers are being urged not to make unnecessary journeys over the coming few days.
In other words, stay in your caravans.
..................
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't fuck around, Buzz. Who the fuck do you think it is?"
" Oh Sorry, Neil."
..................
You know it's cold when you have to use your wife's hair straighteners to hold your cock while taking a piss.
..................
I fingered my wife good and proper last night.
Phoned the police and told them she’d been shoplifting.
..................
They've just commissioned the latest speed camera technology on the M25.
What a fucking waste of public money.
They would rake it in if they introduced parking fines.
..................
Donald Trump says he'd face a psychopathic shooter without a gun.
Old bone spur is now orange, pity he was yellow during the Vietnam War!
..................
While having breakfast this morning I heard an advert on the radio that said, "Work smarter, not harder."
So I phoned in sick.
..................
I've got one of those lighters with a pink flame.
I use it to start camp fires.
..................
All I heard in my house this morning was, "Yeeeeees! It's snowing, I don't have to go to school! I can stay at home and watch TV all day."
I wish my wife would take teaching more seriously.
..................
After I won the local pub quiz last night two gorgeous blondes came over to me.
The first one said, "We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy."
The second blonde said, "Do you know what three way is?"
I replied, "Yes, it's the name of the dog in Hart to Hart."
Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that if they want to get the better of me, I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub!
..................
Travellers are being urged not to make unnecessary journeys over the coming few days.
In other words, stay in your caravans.
..................
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't fuck around, Buzz. Who the fuck do you think it is?"
" Oh Sorry, Neil."
..................
You know it's cold when you have to use your wife's hair straighteners to hold your cock while taking a piss.
..................
I fingered my wife good and proper last night.
Phoned the police and told them she’d been shoplifting.
..................
They've just commissioned the latest speed camera technology on the M25.
What a fucking waste of public money.
They would rake it in if they introduced parking fines.
..................
Donald Trump says he'd face a psychopathic shooter without a gun.
Old bone spur is now orange, pity he was yellow during the Vietnam War!
..................
While having breakfast this morning I heard an advert on the radio that said, "Work smarter, not harder."
So I phoned in sick.
..................
I've got one of those lighters with a pink flame.
I use it to start camp fires.
-
bill_qaz
- Posts: 1004
- Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2013 4:53 pm
- Has thanked: 689 times
- Been thanked: 898 times
Re: A Joke you heard today
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a
medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your
treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young", who was positive that this old geezer didn't know
beans
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get
$1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's Clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you
please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in
Dr. Young's mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring
to
recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in
the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will
be
$500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1,000) leaves angrily and comes back
after
several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see
anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
"Here's your $1,000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be
$500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you
can outsmart an "old Geezer"
medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your
treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young", who was positive that this old geezer didn't know
beans
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get
$1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's Clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you
please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in
Dr. Young's mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring
to
recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in
the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will
be
$500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1,000) leaves angrily and comes back
after
several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see
anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
"Here's your $1,000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be
$500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you
can outsmart an "old Geezer"
