A Joke you heard today

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zimtim
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Wed Apr 05, 2017 5:43 pm

The 4 hour erection...
I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She asked if she could help me.
I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3rd ownership in the store
* a company car
* A furnished house
* a king size bed and
* £3,000 a month in living expenses."
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Mark1961 » Wed Apr 05, 2017 8:03 pm

A nun was talking confidentially to her Mother Superior. "I used some horrible language this week and I feel terrible about it", she said.
"I see," said the Mother Superior. "Tell me about it. When did you use this awful language?"

"Well, I was golfing with Sister Mary and I hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards but it hit a phone line that goes over the fairway and fell to the ground after only about 100 yards"

"Is that when you swore?", asked the Mother Superior.

"No", said the nun. "I tried to stay calm. But then a squirrel ran out of the trees, grabbed my ball in its mouth and ran off with it".

"So that's when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no," said the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running away, an eagle swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off with it in his claws".

"So THAT'S when you swore?" asked the amazed Superior.

"No, not yet. Because as the eagle carried the squirrel away, t flew over the green and the squirrel dropped the ball".

"So did you swear THEN?" asked the Mother Superior, getting very impatient by now.


"Oh no ... because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the bunker onto the green and stopped about a foot from the hole".

The Mother Superior was silent for a moment. Then she sighed and said,

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Speedofile
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Speedofile » Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:02 am

3 extremely drunk guys come stumbling out of a pub in the early hours of the morning. A cabby coming their way, sees them and urgently tries to turn down a road before being spotted, but alas, he is too late and they wave him down. He stops next to them and the 3 guy's fall into the cab laughing and joking around.

"So...where do you need to go" the cabbie says. The one bloke gives an address and it takes the cabbie about 5 minutes to decipher the instruction, but he gets this idea. "OK" he says an starts up the engine.

He sits there with the cab idling for about 5 minutes , then switches off the engine and say "Right, we're here"!

The first guy gets out, followed by the second. The 3rd guy motions for the cabby to lean closer. He slaps the cabbie through the face and say "FFS, Next time, drive slower, you could have killed us"

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Simon_100 » Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:14 am

Speedofile wrote:3 extremely drunk guys come stumbling out of a pub in the early hours of the morning. A cabby coming their way, sees them and urgently tries to turn down a road before being spotted, but alas, he is too late and they wave him down. He stops next to them and the 3 guy's fall into the cab laughing and joking around.

"So...where do you need to go" the cabbie says. The one bloke gives an address and it takes the cabbie about 5 minutes to decipher the instruction, but he gets this idea. "OK" he says an starts up the engine.

He sits there with the cab idling for about 5 minutes , then switches off the engine and say "Right, we're here"!

The first guy gets out, followed by the second. The 3rd guy motions for the cabby to lean closer. He slaps the cabbie through the face and say "FFS, Next time, drive slower, you could have killed us"
Ha ha, many, many years ago I called a cab by phone to collect us at a pub called The Horse and Groom - aka The Severed Head near Brighton race course, long story ... - when it eventually arrived after a round of shorts I got in the front seat and asked to go to ... The Horse and Groom! (thumbs)

Regs

Simon

PS I'm 'cured' now, too sting these days to use taxis so always walk, or wobble ...
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WIBO
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by WIBO » Wed Apr 12, 2017 8:09 am

A voluptuous nun is having a long, hot bath after a long day and thinking how she can do more to help the poor and less fortunate.

At that there's a knock on the door and she responds with "Yes,who is it?"

A man replies "The blind man, I need to talk to you"

She thinks there couldn't be any harm done due to his condition and says "Yes enter"

The man enters and says "Wow, what a nice pair of massive tits and where would you like the blinds installed?"




:)


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The Suit:What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Me: Honesty.

The Suit: Honesty? I don't think honesty could be construed as a weakness.

Me: I don't give a f**k what you think.

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by antomac » Wed Apr 12, 2017 8:51 am

:D :D

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Speedofile
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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Speedofile » Thu Apr 13, 2017 6:31 am

My wife was lying in the bath the other night while I was brushing my teeth and suddenly she asks "how can I make my boobs bigger without the expensive surgery?".

"Easy!" I reply...

"how then?" she enquires

"Take some toilet paper and rub it between your boobs every day!" I say.

Very confused, she looks at me seriously and says "How the bloody hell is that going to work?"

With a smile on my face I reply "Don't know how, but it certainly works for your ARSE!!"

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by kev.t » Thu Apr 13, 2017 6:39 am

:laugh: :laugh:

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by Simon_100 » Thu Apr 13, 2017 6:58 am

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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*Highly Informal Sojourns in Spain

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Re: A Joke you heard today

Post by zimtim » Mon Apr 17, 2017 2:07 pm

Terry ties his dog under a tree and enters a bar
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns
the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Terry said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
Terry replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be
bred."
"No way," said Terry. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry
'cause I fed her this morning'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog
wants to have sex!"
(You gotta love this!!!!)
Terry looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog
It is easier to defend yourself against a thousand enemies, than it is to defend against one backstabbing friend

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