Crap Joke time

Anything goes, and mine's a Guinness.
IainD
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by IainD »

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a pint, while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything around the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a ball.

The barman shouts at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves with his monkey.

Two weeks later, he's back in the bar along with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass,then pulls it out and eats it.

The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Q plate
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by Q plate »

My wife announced she was leaving me due to my obsession with plants..

I said calm down petal..where's all this stem from..
Biker_Mike
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by Biker_Mike »

Why is 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 8 9
threepot
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by threepot »

I broke my record for holding my breath under water in my local swimming pool today. It all started when a woman shouted out..''thats him over there''!! :S :whistle:
Spike941
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by Spike941 »

A chap gets stopped for speeding after trying to outrun the pursuing police car. The officer, who is at the end of his shift, tells the driver if he can come up with an original excuse for falling to stop, he will let him off with a verbal caution. The chap thinks for a few seconds and says "My ex wife ran off with a traffic officer, and I thought it was you trying to bring her back"
hornet
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by hornet »

Spike941 wrote:A chap gets stopped for speeding after trying to outrun the pursuing police car. The officer, who is at the end of his shift, tells the driver if he can come up with an original excuse for falling to stop, he will let him off with a verbal caution. The chap thinks for a few seconds and says "My ex wife ran off with a traffic officer, and I thought it was you trying to bring her back"
Spike that is brilliant
Two wheels roaming. My FB page
AirbusPaul
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by AirbusPaul »

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
User avatar
loudpedal
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by loudpedal »

Story in the local news here last week about the Dyslexic pimp
He bought a warehouse


Loudpedal
scubabiker
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by scubabiker »

i know a joke about paper...
its TEARable....
scubabiker
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Re: Crap Joke time

Post by scubabiker »

how do you fit a lion in your fridge?
take out all the grocery and shelves and put it in.....

how do you fit a monkey in your fridge?
take out the lion....

why was the simba alone on his birthday?
because all the other animals where being put in a fridge...
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