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joke 2 years, 7 months ago #128098

The Old Coot

An old prospector named Ralph, shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. Old Ralph headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

Ralph looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance...never really wanted to.."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector Ralph--not wanting to get a toe blown off--started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

Old Ralph turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in Old Ralph's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's Rear?
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

* Never be arrogant.

* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

* Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

* Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
Relax, I'm Hilarious!
The following user(s) said Thank You: herman, moto al, royle100, The Spanish Biker, Toblerone, SSchultz, heftylump, picos mestizo, Desmo

Re: joke 2 years, 7 months ago #128100

lots of LOL's, jokes and wisdom.

Re: joke 2 years, 7 months ago #128547

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Fingerless gloves - the perfect companion to crotchless knickers.


a friend is someone who bails you out of jail, But a BEST friend is the person sitting beside you saying...'that was fu**ing awesome'!!!!!!!

Re: joke 1 year, 10 months ago #194813

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joke.
Pilot baled out of his small plane over the countryside when the engine conked out....

His 'chute failed to open and screaming in panic as he plummeted to Earth, he noticed a large plume of smoke billowing from a lone cottage directly below him.

A small figure came whizzing up to him just like in the Superman films, also screaming his head off and as they drew closer the man grabbed the pilot by his ankle and the pilot said.....
" Excuse me, but do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No, but do you know anything about gas-ovens?"

Re: joke 1 year, 10 months ago #196850

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TWO WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4

minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3

minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2

minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home

from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back

home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.

Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for

an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It

was wonderful...

TWO MEN - meet at the pub...

So, how was your evening last night?

Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged

and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched

on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.

Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took

her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an

ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so

we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in

the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..k..g candles to avoid

knocking everything over. I was so wound up and ****ed off that it took me

an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was

still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping

on and on about everything and nothing. Disaster.

Re: joke 1 year, 10 months ago #196854

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"If you knew a woman who was pregnant,

Who had 8 kids already,

Three who were deaf,

Two who were blind,

One mentally retarded,

And she had syphilis,

Would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts..

Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.

He's had two mistresses.

He also chain smokes

And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:

He was kicked out of office twice,

Sleeps until noon,

Used opium in college

And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:

He is a decorated war hero,

He's a vegetarian,

Doesn't smoke,

Drinks an occasional beer

And never committed adultery.



Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first .. No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.







Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it?

Remember:

Amateurs ... Built the ark.

Professionals ... Built the Titanic

Re: joke 1 year, 10 months ago #196966

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Subject: Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going
to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same
dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday
when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going
at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have
to do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time my teeth didn't hurt....."

Re: joke 1 year, 10 months ago #197012

  • corbine
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A guy is driving around Arkansas, and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells
him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees
a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

Re: joke 1 year, 10 months ago #197016

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Paddy is ploughing his field with a steamroller.

Seamus says "Paddy you don't plough a field with a steamroller you dozy bas....!"

Paddy says "I'm growing mashed potatoes you thick c...!"

Re: joke 1 year, 10 months ago #197101

  • corbine
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